Tuesday, February 28, 2012
I've been reflecting lately about the last 44 years of my life. I have found myself feeling sadness, joy, excitement, wonder, confusion, fear, anxiety and confidence. My stomach with butterflies like standing in the same space with a boy you like. Our fantasizing about what your future will look like when you grow up. Oh, yeah, that would be me now. A grown up. I wonder if I am all grown up? I hope not. Most of the people I know who have turned into these robotic adults with no sense of wonder, optimism or sense of exploration or adventure feel like they have no life in them and that really gives me the creeps. Yes, I have said that out loud. It's posted for the world to see.
Growing up I was always told you need to act like a grown up. Well, let me say this in my thinking at this point I am wondering what is the big deal about being a grown up. Is it that you can have money, cars, big houses, power on your job, big titles, advanced education and lots of friends that you spend endless hours socializing and hanging out with. I used to always hold my image of what was socially normal to this standard.
I remember a few years ago someone in my office ask me what do I do for fun....I head my head in the air and began to contemplate.....okay, in truth I was thinking just how much I was going to share. I felt that the question was not authentic entirely and felt as though I might be walking into one of those social traps. I am not a social politician however I have met and work around many, so I get it when they start off with what seemly appears to be a soft and caring question. So, I finally let it out. I said, well with a slight pause. I like to read, study, watch documentaries, go hiking, write in my journal, and take walks in nature. I am feeling really pleased with myself and very relaxed. The person says to me "I mean really what do you like to do for fun".
So, you know I shut it right on down. They weren't listening to me when from my heart I shared some of the things that interesting to me. I realized immediately that I was not sharing things that she was interested in and it was clear that I was not her ideal social mate. Good for me, I thought in my mind.
I say all that to say, in that very moment I was present to what might have appeared to me 10 years ago as rejection, 20 years ago I would have felt unheard. However, in that moment I felt a inner peace and a deep compassion for myself and my journey. I had spent so many seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, and years traveling between the past and the future. And when I was in the present moment I was always very anxious not feeling as though I fit anyway, or belong in this wide and vast social web of humanity.
Well, the last year has revealed to me everyone is talking a good game about this or that. Everyone has a point of view, opinion, agenda, or idea about what they perceive should or should not be happening to them and to others. This social web is very powerful because so many us spend a lot of time trying to weave our beautiful colors into its tapestry.
The only web that I weave or want to be apart of his my own. I realize that I could never be apart of anyone else's and why would I. I personally feel that you give away your power when you attempt to fit in and conform to other's view point and it really does not matter whether it is family, co-workers, friends, spiritual communities or whatever. At the end, what I learned is the only web that you really weave is that with source, divine Creative Intelligence and you connect with that source in others which initiates and invokes joy, peace, love, laughter and imagination. The rest is sort of tragic comedy of the human experience.
Just some random thoughts in my head at the moment.